July 1, 2003
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in this issue
-- Here's What He Wrote . . .
-- Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser
-- This Week in Pictures
-- Maybe he has a fire hydrant in the kitchen
-- Not exactly Cypress Gardens
-- Don't answer that question
-- Zoom, zoom, zoom
-- This Week's Brainteaser

I came across a guy selling a book online that claims to create

Here's What He Wrote . . .
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All too often businesses are hesitant to advertise in the Yellow Pages.    It's not just the expense.  What often causes hesitation is a general lack of marketing know-how and confidence.    People do what they're good at and what they know.  Someone with proven techniques, and a firm grasp of market trends is far more likely to play.  What's more... they're more likely to play big.  Someone who lacks that confidence and know-how plays small or not at all (or goes to Vegas instead).    The fact is, most businesses don't know what makes for a good Yellow Pages ad.  They don't know what grabs attention, and what generates response.  Educating businesses on the do's and don'ts is a big part of getting them in the game.    So what do businesses need to know?  Let's take a look at a real ad for Zero Tolerance Exterminators (a few details like the name and contact information have been changed to protect the guilty, but the ad is very, very REAL).  I chose this ad in particular because it illustrates most major mistakes of Yellow Pages advertising.  These are mistakes that plague category after category, in one directory after another. What's wrong with it... The headline is the company name.  It's in an unprofessional inappropriate graphic.  The single greatest opportunity to grab attention has been squandered.  What catches my eye is "Do It Yourself."  I don't know about you, but my eyes are outta' here. The bullets are feature oriented rather than benefit oriented.  In other words, they answer the "what it is" rather than the "what it does for me" - that's all the client cares about.  Secondly, my reply to most of these bullets is... "well, duh."  I know you'll take care of roaches in my brownstone, you're an exterminator.  Tell me why I should hire you over these other killers! There is no attention grabbing graphic.  (and again, no headline... so what's to grab my eye?) No call to action.  The ad doesn't tell me to call (the words Call Now For _____ are proven to make the phone ring) and gives me no enticing incentive to pick up the phone before looking at another ad.      Here is the ad that I designed . . .

Click here to see the revised ad that Alan Saltz created

Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser
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Buford and Festus were arguing who was faster. Festus bet that he could turn out the light and jump into the bed on the other side of their doublewide trailer before the room got dark.

Buford checked to make sure there were no timers, clappers or other gizmos hooked up to the light. Certain to win, he bet Festus $50.

Faster than Hillary Clinton can call a press conference, Festus flicked off the switch and was across the room and under the covers before the room was dark.

How did he do it?

Click Here to See the Answer & Our Winner

This Week in Pictures
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How much do you bet that this guy (or gal) was speaking on a cell phone at the gas pump?

What does the movie "Trading Places" have in common with the Yellow Pages?

Maybe he has a fire hydrant in the kitchen
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Probably watching sports.

Great tips from a Girl Scout Cookie Sales Champion

Not exactly Cypress Gardens
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Some dude taught his squirrel how to water-ski.



"There's a fine line between a hobby and mental illness."

- Dave Barry

Playing MONOPOLY with your advertising budget (This is kind of cool)

Don't answer that question
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Lots of people have asked for the Herb Gordon article (here it is again)

Zoom, zoom, zoom
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I used to feel just like this when I was a kid playing in the park.

(except I didn't wear as much leather)

How to run a profitable internet company (No Joke!)

This Week's Brainteaser
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This week's quiz is borrowed (ok, stolen) from Michael Feldman's Public Radio International show "WhadYaKnow?"


Question 1

According to the most recent available data (Fiscal Year 1996), who forms the largest group of foreign tourists to the United States?

1. The Japanese

2. The British

3. The French

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Question 2

Ishtar is the Babylonian goddess of what?

1. Wisdom

2. The moon

3. Love

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Question 3

Where are the Carotid Arteries located?

1. In the neck

2. In the legs

3. In the arms

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Question 4

In Australia, what should you expect when the bearded dragon lizard sits upright and points its head to the sky?

1. Drought

2. Rain

3. Bushfires

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Question 5

What are you eating if sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, corned beef, Russian dressing and pumpernickel bread are on your plate?

1. A Knuckle sandwich

2. A Chipped Slammer

3. A Reuben sandwich

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Email your answer to puzzler@dicklarkin.com

We'll select one entry to receive a pump action bottle-popper.