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Nov. 24, 2003
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in this issue
-- Bailing Out of the Holiday Party
-- Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser
-- Special Offer for Subscribers
-- Keyboard Shortcuts for Windows
-- I'd like to see Lance Armstrong try this
-- Tickle me and you die
-- It's a dog's life
-- ZZ Top meets Sgt. Pepper
-- You are my sunshine . . .
-- This Week's Brainteaser
-- Quote of the Week

If you'll send me the email addresses of your employees, I'll add them to the distribution list. They might actually smile at a customer once a week :- )

A warm welcome to the lovely and talented folks at the Singapore Yellow Pages and the SEOs who subscribed last week.
Thanks,
Dick
Dick@YPcommando.com

Bailing Out of the Holiday Party back to top
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Lars and Gloria had a great time at the company holiday party.

Lars didn’t even mind that it was no longer called a Christmas Party so long as they served his favorite brand of beer. “Free.” Besides, it was a cheap night out for Gloria to go dancing.

By the time “Last Call” rolled around, Lars had consumed enough adult beverages to qualify as a blood donor for Ted Kennedy. A few cups of strong black coffee helped him feel perky enough to drive home. [If you’re taking notes, this is where our story takes a turn for the worse]. He knew that he probably shouldn’t drive, but he didn’t feel like hassling with a cab. Besides, since it was only a few miles to his house, he’d be ok.

On the way to the parking lot Gloria stopped in the little girls room, so Lars went ahead to pull the car around.

As he backed out of his parking space, his minivan ripped the bumper completely off a Buick Regal parked nearby.

It made one helluva loud scrunching noise, which startled Lars. He looked around, but didn’t see the Buick’s owner anywhere. Peering through his foggy beer goggles, he didn’t see anyone else in the parking lot.

Was it possible that nobody saw him do this?

Lars’s highly tuned analytical mind carefully weighed the alternatives. He decided to do the only thing that a rational man in his position of authority and maturity would do.

He ran like a 99¢ pair of L’eggs pantyhose.

Read what happens to Lars next . . .

Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser back to top
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Buford and Festus were preparing for their annual pilgrimage to Las Vegas.

Being a little short of cash, they decided to pay for their trip with winnings from the craps table.

To guarantee their odds of winning, they bought a loaded die to use at the table. (They let you bring your own dice in Vegas, don't they)?

The loaded die has a small weight inside and is slightly heavier which increases the odds of rolling a 7.

Buford bought 8 regular dice to divert attention from the loaded one.

Festus (being an idiot) mixed the loaded die in with the regular ones and now they can't tell them apart.

Using a balance scale, what is the fewest number of weighs they can perform to determine which is the heavier die?

I received many more incorrect answers than usual this week. Keep trying!

Click Here to See the Answer & Our Celebrity Winner

Special Offer for Subscribers back to top
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Steve Hackney agreed to offer his power marketing system at no cost to my subscribers! (You can thank me later.)

I'm always on the lookout for good ideas to steal, and his marketing programs are truly outstanding.

I got on my "Headline Kick" after reading his outstanding book, The Wipeout Technoque.

Click this link to get your copy

Keyboard Shortcuts for Windows back to top
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These keyboard shortcuts can really save time when you're using the computer.

Ctrl-Esc: Display the Start Menu.
Ctrl-A: Select all.
Alt-Tab: Holding down the Alt key, hit the tab key to cycle through all open programs. Icons are displayed for each open program. When you release both keys, you will activate the currently selected program.
Alt-Esc and Alt-Shift-Esc: Shifts forward and backward through all open programs.
Ctrl-F6 and Ctrl-Shift-F6: Shifts forward and backward through all the open windows in the currently active program.
Shift-Del - Bypasses the Recycle Bin to permanently deletes files.
Alt-F4: Terminates the currently active program.
Ctrl-F4: Closes the active window in the currently active program.


Keyboard Shortcuts for Internet Explorer

Alt-D: Activate the Address bar
Alt-(Left Arrow): Previous Page
Alt-(Right Arrow): Next Page
Alt-Home: Go to home page
F5: Refresh

These tips brought to you by Steve Jackson, Chuck Arning and the other fine folks at the The Internet 800 Directory.

The Internet 800 Directory

I'd like to see Lance Armstrong try this back to top
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After seeing this guy, I feel like a complete wimp complaining about my 27-speed mountain bike.

Tickle me and you die back to top
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Hey Joe, better make this my last one. We're shooting a new episode of Sesame Street this afternoon.

Should a Roofer advertise on the Internet?

It's a dog's life back to top
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Dang it Buford! I said to pick up a dozen bagels!

Speaking of the ugliest pooch in the pound . . .

ZZ Top meets Sgt. Pepper back to top
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I hope they wipe out the sink after they're done grooming.

One of the best books written on Yellow Pages

You are my sunshine . . . back to top
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I can't stop staring at this picture. There's something mesmerizing about the conflict between what my eyes see and what my mind believes.
. . . or, perhaps I'm an idiot.

What does the movie "Trading Places" have in common with the Yellow Pages?

This Week's Brainteaser back to top
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Buford and Festus were arguing who was the faster of the two.

They decided to run across a pasture, touch the big oak tree on the other side and run back to the starting point.

Festus paced himself, and ran a steady 20 miles per hour to and from the tree.

Buford recalled how great Olympic runners save their strength for a strong finish. So he ran 10 miles per hour to the tree, but kicked it into high gear and ran 30 miles per hour all the way back.

Who won the race?

Email your answer to puzzler@dicklarkin.com

We'll select one entry to win one of the few remaining bottle-poppers with a year's supply of bragging rights.

To improve your random chances of winning, please include your name, company name and mailing address.

Want some free airtime? Send me a photo, idea, tip, quote or cash, and I'll throw you a link.
Quote of the Week back to top
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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

That's it for this week.

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If you like this newsletter, please give me a great rating.

Rate Yellow Pages Commando News once a day! Rating: 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 10 is the best.

Contact Information back to top
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email: newsletters@dicklarkin.com
voice: 858-614-5425
web: http://www.dicklarkin.com
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